Perfectionism is based in shame

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Most of us have.

We learned we were only good enough when we were performing well and when we were being “good” children.

We learned we only deserved attention (read: attachment, connection) when we were “good” children.

We learned if we were “bad” and not perfect, then we were not deserving of attachment and connection.

We learned if we were “bad” and not perfect, then we we're not good and not acceptable as we are, therefore triggering feelings of shame (i.e., “I’m bad).

But perfect does not exist.

So we struggle our entire lives with trying to seek something and be something that is unattainable, therefore never feeling good enough and crippled with the continuous pressure of trying to be perfect.

The idea of healing from perfectionism is to heal that younger version of you (your inner child) and allowing them to feel the unconditional love of being human. Imagine a 6-year-old standing in front of you: would you tell them that they aren’t lovable unless they are being “good” or perfect? Would you only care for them and give them attention (read:connection) if they were performing well? Of course not; so why are we so much harsher to our smaller selves?

Instead of saying “I’ll be good enough when…” or “I’ll be lovable as long as I…”, try saying “I’m (good) enough as I am”, or “I’m deserving of love”. No ifs.

Practicing unrelenting self compassion and reminding yourself that you are human and it’s ok to make mistakes, is key. Once we understand that through making mistakes (and the discomfort that comes with), we learn so much about ourselves and how we want to be in the world. This is where we can begin to let go of the fear and shame of not being perfect.

Just because we have flaws (and we all have them), does not make us any less lovable or worthy.